Things I learnt from TV (and movies)

Being as two people only ever read this because i'm not quite ready to take over the world with my rantings yet I thought I would do a little funny blog to brighten up your days a bit more when you do get round to reading it. I had a laugh the other day reading about things that you will learn from watching too much TV on a random forum somewhere so thought that I would bring to your attention.

1. Always, No matter what the occasion use your local pub to host the party despite the constant punch ups and shit that goes wrong they can cater for any need, christening, wedding reception, homecoming, birthday, anniversary, world cup party (despite no TV) you name it they can do it.

2. Never go to a hospital if you have a "minor injury" you will die horribly, if however you have some incurable diesease you can bet your arse that some doctor will cure you with a part from a pig.

3. If you cheat on your partner you WILL get found out, and most probably it will happen in your local pub in front of every one.

4. Dont have a baby - most die, or have incurable dieseases or will cause you to split up a happy family.

5. Dont get married, if you do, one of you will die, if you stay alive you'll be divorced within two years anyway coz you have a baby.....

6. If you run a fruit and veg market stall you can earn enough money to buy a property in the east end of london........

7. In the same area that millionaire gangsters are also buying houses.

8. Anyone who has a slight cough probably has an inoperable brain disease

9. Fight as loud as you want, publicly as you want, it'll all be forgotten by the neighbours next week.

10. A night out consists of sitting in the pub 1 minute away from your house all evening, every evening.

11. Adults do not exist on the outskirts of chester

12. Working in a launderette, pub or as a skivvy in a garage affords you enough money to live in a 3 bed room house

13. You dont need to own a car and if you do you will only use it once a month the rest of the time it will be in the garage to keep the local mechanics employed.

14. Buisnesses will spring up overnight and suddenly be making thousands of pounds a month despite no-one ever going in there.

15. Houses will suddenly become tardis's and no matter how many members of the family you have there will always be an extra room made up for them.

16. When you think you have seen the last of every single family member that you know of another one will pop up from the darkest corner of the globe.

17. Your local post office is a goldmine, you know this because it is robbed at least once every two years.

18. 50 year old women and 13 year old girls can get pregnant by being breathed on, but if you are trying to conceive the man will have a low sperm count.

19. If you are going on holiday no-one will ever mention going abroad, its always "Brighton" or "Blackpool" This is probably because......

20. Going abroad will result in finding someone whos funeral you have been to or you will bump into your ex-wife and baby who had skipped the country and probably you will get murdered.

21. At least 3 people in your street will own a gun and they know how to use it

22. You can live with a murderer for months and not have the slightest clue what he is up to.

23. Dont play for Harchester Utd or Earls Park football team, you could be involved in murder, corruption, match fixing, rape, suicide, blindness, drugs, hit and runs, armed robbery. Just dont do it!!

24. You can be a millionaire purely for living in a house and swearing for 12 weeks

25. "The worlds biggest penis" is not a documentry about George Bush.........

26. Women only watch CrimeWatch for one reason......

27. If you are being chased by a mass murderer dont run upstairs, instead, try running away.....

28. This however only works if you are Linford Christie, because no matter how fast you run the mass murderer will only be 10 steps behind and you WILL trip over and break your ankle before being mutilated.

29. If there is a house for sale in your street you can bet your arse that someone you know will buy it, it wont be some random stranger, in fact most probably it will be your dad, or someone you had a kid with 13 years ago.

30. Ask for a beer in your pub and it will be ready in about 0.000001 of a second no waiting for it to be poured! Plus dont hand over a fiver you'll never get change oh and also...

31... if you walk into your pub and there is three people at the bar that you have recently argued with that doesnt matter you'll always buy them a drink, cost doesnt come into it. Plus

32. You can go into the pub alone, its never packed, there is just enough seats for the locals and everyone you know is in there anyway.

33. Your buisnesses will run themselves if you are not there and still be thriving.

That'll do, I might edit this but im saving and going home!!