OK, I'll get back to you soon.....

I need to rant, it’s been too long. I absolutely detest agencies, I am looking for a new job as my current company are making me redundant, when I first heard all I could think was “Bastards” but since then I have seen so many jobs in this area on much better money that I think its probably for the best, however that’s where the feel good vibe falls down for the moment, since I have been looking I have had agencies ring me about jobs in Portsmouth, Reading, Winchester, Woking, Guildford, Haslemere, Hindhead, Farnham, Aldershot, Godalming, Addlestone, Camberley, Farnborough, Slough, Staines, Bracknell, Basingstoke, Chichester – to name but a few.

Not just for any old two bit companies either, big companies, like Avaya, Marsh Insurance, British Car Auctions, Touchpaper. I even had one company ring me about a job going at Allianz Cornhill – he obviously didn’t read my CV coz I left there as they are a right bunch of tossers.

And that’s what really gets my goat, the agencies are just so plain bloody stupid – why can no agency think for themselves. I was security cleared in 1999, that’s 8 years ago, it expires every single year. One agency rung up and asked if I was still cleared, I obviously said no and HE told ME to remove it from my CV???? WTF If you had read my CV you fucking idiot you would clearly know that I am no longer security cleared. Why do they find it so impossible to read a CV it has all your details on and then they ring you up, have a 20 minute conversation about what you have been up to and THEN they say OK I’ll be in touch if anything comes up!! WHAT, What a waste of my time you twat, grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I’ve got so annoyed with them that I am half giving up answering the phone – if its important enough they will leave a message, sure enough I’m getting left messages, one guy yesterday called me about a job in Farnham, I like Farnham it’s a great location for me so I call him back – not there, call him again after “lunch” unavailable, left my number. I emailed him this morning – still no response TOSSER, all I want is a little bit of info, let me be the one who decides yes or no.

What happened to the days when you could just walk into a company and say “Look here’s my CV, throw it at your IT bods let me know what they think” they’d ring you, offer you a nice salary and Bobs your mums brother.

I had a telephone interview yesterday, woman rings me up, gives me her name, we have a brief chat, she asked if I had heard about her company, I said yes, had the briefest of brief conversations and in about 1 minute and 20 seconds she says “Yep, that’s all I needed, I like the sound of your voice I’d like to see you for a face to face interview” WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT IN THAT, my CV states that I have been on customer focused servicedesks for TEN YEARS its pretty bloody obvious that I can talk on the phone and no offence lady but two of the companies on my CV are much bigger than the one you work for.

So they offer me an interview, good stuff!!! 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon, I’m sorry, do you not think I have any other work to be doing? I don’t know, like my day to day job? I can’t just get up and walk out when I feel like it! For fuck sake, why don’t they ever come back with sensible times? I have a good mind to just tell them to go and fuck it and hang back waiting for the potential other jobs that I have in the pipeline.

I suppose the good thing about that though is that I have heard back, at least that makes a nice change, why do agencies always “just forget” you? I had a possible opportunity at Avaya, I work right next door to them at the moment so would be perfect for me – have I heard back from the agency? Have I bollocks! Once I find a new job I am going to email all the useless agencies that I know off something like

“Thankyou for finding the perfect job for me, unfortunately due to your obvious lack of communication skills hell froze over and I had to take another role that was offered to me. I feel that you have let your agency down as I could have created a lot of money for you, as here I am sat on a beach in Bermuda typing away on my work based laptop earning my current company thousands of pounds because I am so fucking good at my job – and there you are, in a poxy little office struggling to undo your tie because you are feeling the heat from not contacting me when you had the chance, you useless pile of crap.

Yours truly, Paul”

Just for you Raw Thoughts..................

Ssssssssh, dont tell anyone..........With Lin putting those pics up I feel its only right to supplement that with these, I keep saying I am going to enter her in FHM High Street Honeys - maybe this year!

Part 3 of 3 - Some Practical Advice

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Chelsea fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Convince neighbours that you have invented 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep in the mornings.

Part 2 of 3 (possibly found a 4th though)
The hypothetical questions we all love:

What if that wasn’t the way I liked it?
What if smarties didn’t have an answer?
What if I worked nights, how would I night nurse my cold to sleep?
Do people actually wash their head AND shoulders with shampoo?
Who tastes pet food to know that it “Now tastes even better”?
Why is it than when something is marked 50% extra free, its only the packaging?
Why are there no virgin stewardesses on virgin?
Why in this world of equal opportunities is there no fathercare?
What would hairdressers do if everyone became bald?
How come no-one knows what “Vorsprung derch technique” means?
Why hasn’t mystic meg ever won the lottery?
Why does James Bond seem to get younger in every film?
How come O.J Simpson was not found guilty?
Yet in the same country uproar because George Michael was having a Tommy Tank?
Will the teabag ever be square again?
What use really was the millennium dome, bit of a one off event that don’t ya think?
Why were rice krispie squares called squares, they were bloody rectangle for gods sake! Maybe that’s why they didn’t last too long?
Who thought of the name ‘penguin’ for a chocolate biscuit, its not like they are associated in anyway is it?
How would the worlds population survive if we were all male ……….(Quietly) ?
What if calculators sometimes got it wrong, they can’t exactly say sorry can they?
What would happen if there was no money, would we need to work? Would everything be free?
What if once you got to 99 you stopped ageing and lived forever getting younger, imagine that, 190 and at the height of sexual powers having a bed bath!
Did the queen send her mum a telegram on her 100th before she croaked?
How come the Chinese got such a cocked up language?
Come to think of it, have you ever met anyone whos said “I’m fluent in chinese” ?
Why are beauties always attracted to beasts?
Why do people say “Oh it was in the last place I looked” well of course it was you muppet coz once you’ve found it you aren’t going to carry on looking are ya - dickhead?
If man has evolved from Monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes, do they have to pass a test or something?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for Prime Minister and fifty for Miss England?
If a 999 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
When you’re fat - you sign up for an exercise class why do they say; "Wear loose fitting clothes" - if you had loose fitting clothes in the first place it wouldn’t be a problem!
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

When you go on holiday and you go to an Airport to get onto a metal tube that blasts you into the sky are you nervous that while waiting for it you are in a TERMINAL?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial lemons, yet washing up liquid made with real ones?

Part 1 of 3

I set up a website years ago, then I destroyed said website as I got bored, since then I created a couple more including the only one that I have left, AWFC I used to have fun though, it was my old style blogging if you like. Well today, being sooooooooooo fucking bored at work with bugger all today, I went hunting for all my old shit and with the help of 20 somethings way back machine I found my old site - my god I wrote some crap, I was about 20/21 when I wrote these, they are all quite long so I thought I would share one by one coz they got me laughing and thinking:

Firstly, my pearls of wisdom. Some are plagurised, some I wrote I'll highlight my personal faves;

Look on the world as a big fruit cake it wouldn’t be complete without a few nuts in it

Never say sorry to anyone unless it is genuinely your fault
Life is merely a party that god has placed you in

Live each day as though it were your last, you’ll end up doing many weird things

Don’t leave things that you wish to do until later, they are usually the much better things to do

Never go swimming in white shorts, unless your on holiday

Take each corner with anticipation of what waits around it

Man goes with woman, food goes with fat, fist does not go with face

Don’t rush into sex with someone you don’t know…… ask their name

Work is just build up to many hours of play

Weekends are for fun, don’t work

The man who gets ahead is the man who works when there is no work to do

Never give up the chase on the office secretary, time will wait for Christmas

Stay on the good side of a bad boss, don’t take advantage of a good one

Youth lives on hope, old age on memory

Time waits for no man, yet man can wait for time

The longest wait of your life is usually for the greatest pleasure

Time is our greatest enemy, yet we have plenty of it

Life is like a bath, the longer you stay in it the more wrinkled you get

Be positive and assertive, it gets you everywhere

To achieve your lifes ambition you have to start on the bottom rung of the ladder

If you don’t have confidence in your own abilities, no-one else will

Don’t criticise women drivers when they are driving, there bad enough without another lapse in concentration

If you feel you’ve overstayed your welcome, don’t stay any longer, who knows what you walked in on

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, all play and no work makes him a very poor one

By all means look before you leap but don’t look too long or the pleasure will be gone

The city of love is Paris, the city of lust is Rome, the city of life is London, so surely the city of sex is Bangkok?

A lie has no legs so cannot stand, but it has wings and can fly far and wide

The only way to have a friend is to be one

Do all the good you can to all the people you can in all the ways you can

Suspicion is often a useless pain

Love is the only thing in life you have to earn: everything else you can steal

The first thing needed to make a dream come true is to wake up

A thing is not vulgar merely because it is common

Everything comes to those who go after what the others are only waiting for

There is a big difference to giving advice and lending a hand

A man who makes a mistake becomes a bigger man when he admits it

Rise above it

If at first you don’t succeed buy her another drink

If at first you don’t succeed skydiving isnt for you…..<br>
When easy does it, somebody usually has to do it again

Constant use will wear out anything, especially friends

The curve that can set a lot of things straight is a smile

A perfectionist takes infinite pains and often gives them to other people

Happiness happens to people to busy to be miserable

Go ahead! Do things but do not be afraid to shoulder responsibility

Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians

She will always be a slave who does not know how to live a little

Too many people go through life running from something that isn’t after them

It is always wise to look ahead but not easy to look further than you can see

Fondness is when the heart does the minds job

When the goings good, be doing good

Reality is a hallucination caused by lack of alcohol

Don’t get mad, jealous or uptight, don’t get even, get better

Be good, if you cant be good, be very, very bad

Be afraid of nothing, with being caught an exception

When you’re at your lowest point, look up, it’s the only way to go

You can kill men and cripple nations, but you cant kill a good idea

If a man can see both sides of the problem, you know he’s not involved in it

To see through a man, get an x-ray or speak to an ex-girlfriend

It is better to deserve trust and not have it than to have it and not deserve it

It is much wiser to choose what you say rather than say what you choose

It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly

Love is a quest, marriage a conquest, divorce the inquest

It matter not how a man dies but how he lives

Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement

If you have tried your hand at something and failed, next time try your head

If you think nothing is impossible try sneezing with your eyes open

The great pleasure in life is doing something that others say you cannot do

Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law

Don’t judge a mans temper until you’ve seen him with a wife, a child and no spare tyre

Four ‘o’ clock is either too early or too late to start anything

Home is where the heart is, but not necessarily the mind

All the pains of life are always eased when you pass away

When all else fails, try, try, try again, if that fails, get drunk and be happy

I am paid for what I know……..not what I do

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.